25 Feb

The Pressure to ‘Heal’ in the Modern Day

We’re living in an age of personal growth, transformation and healing. There’s an abundance of self-help podcasts, books about attachment styles, trauma and self-worth. Conversations that once felt niche are now part of our everyday language. In many ways, this is a positive shift. We’ve generally become more open, more willing to look inward and have a stronger desire to understand ourselves (far from a negative evolution as humanity goes!). Although alongside this, something more subtle seems to have emerged. A pressure to heal. A sense that we should be further along by now, more self-aware, less-reactive. Without realising it, working on ourselves can start to feel like something we’re getting wrong or not doing enough of. Quite ironically, a movement initially created to reduce shame can sometimes leave us feeling inadequate.

What Healing Feels Like a Standard

What do we actually mean when we say we’re “healing”? Healing isn’t a fixed state that we either reach or don’t. It isn’t a final version of ourselves where nothing hurts anymore and we respond perfectly in every situation. More often than not, it’s messy and non-linear. Yet the culture we’re living in can make healing feel more visible and measurable than it used to be. We’re surrounded by language about “breaking cycles”, “becoming the best version of ourselves”, “staying positive” and surrounded by countless before and after stories of transformation. Again, none of this is inherently negative. However, when healing becomes something we see constantly, it can start to look linear, binary and associated with a status that we should achieve. Without meaning to, it’s easy to absorb the idea that healing should look tidy. That insight should lead to immediate change. So when our own healing feels slower, messier or less visible, it’s easy to assume that we’re behind.

We might notice thoughts like:

• “Why does this still affect me?”

• “Shouldn’t I have worked through this by now?”

• “Why do I keep repeating this pattern if I’m so self-aware?” 

But, if we pause and return to the actual meaning of healing, it is rooted in words like “process”, “development” and “gradual change” (1). Perhaps what’s shifted isn’t our capacity to heal, but our expectations of what healing ‘should’ look like.

Why Do Our Brains Get Caught in This?

Part of this comes down to biology. The psychologist Paul Gilbert explains that we have different emotional systems that shape how we respond to the world (2). One of these is the threat system - the part of the brain responsible for detecting danger, mistakes or potential rejection. Another is the drive system - which motivates us to achieve, improve and move forward. In a culture focused on continuous and rapid improvement, these two systems can become highly activated.

And almost immediately, the ‘Drive System’ responds:

This back and forth unconscious communication happens so quickly we barely register it. But over time, it can lead us to feeling insecure, inadequate or as though we’re failing at something that was never meant to be measured in the first place. 

The Unrecognised Signs

Healing can be quiet, subtle and easy to overlook. Maybe it’s noticing that you can sit with a feeling without immediately trying to push it away. Perhaps it’s realising that you can talk about something that once hurt, without your chest tightening. It might even be forgiving yourself for something that used to make you spiral into shame. Healing can show up in the small, everyday choices we barely notice. These shifts may feel insignificant, especially in a world where healing is often portrayed as big breakthroughs or dramatic “before and after” stories. But, they are evidence that change is happening and that we are processing, learning and growing. The more we notice and honour these moments, the more we begin to recognise and gently release the belief that healing should look perfect or is comparable.

Healing looks different for everyone. It doesn’t need to be constant, visible or impressive. We don’t need to be in “healing mode” all the time. Sometimes simply living, resting or noticing small moments of growth is exactly what healing needs. Letting go of the pressure society places on us to always grow or transform gives us permission to move at our own pace - and often, that’s where the lasting change unfolds!

Amy

References

1. Tiew, S.L., Creedy, D. K. & Chan, M. F. (2011). Concept analysis of healing. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 67(4), pp.1032-1042.

2. Gilbert, P. (2009). Introducing compassion-focused therapy. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 15(3), 199-208.